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Season 1 • Episode 2

Kissing Abraham Lincoln

Worrying Charlie may get rid of one of them, Berta and Lydia fight over him. Meanwhile, Kandi does everything she can to stop Alan from selling their condo.

Episodes

A Day in the Life of Two and a Half Men

A Day in the Life of Two and a Half Men

The Serious Business of Writing Comedy

The Serious Business of Writing Comedy

Two Adults, One Kid, No Grown-ups

Two Adults, One Kid, No Grown-ups

Backstage Tour with Angus T. Jones

Backstage Tour with Angus T. Jones

Two Manly Men - Singing and Dancing

Two Manly Men - Singing and Dancing

The Billionaire Upgrade: How Walden Schmidt redesigned the house in Malibu

The Billionaire Upgrade: How Walden Schmidt redesigned the house in Malibu

Two and a Half Men Version 2.0

Two and a Half Men Version 2.0

Charlie's EX Reunion

Charlie's EX Reunion

The Women of Two and a Half Men

The Women of Two and a Half Men

Growing up Harper

Growing up Harper

CSI-Episode: Two and a Half Deaths

CSI-Episode: Two and a Half Deaths

Two and a Half Men: Dying Is Easy, Comedy Is Hard

Two and a Half Men: Dying Is Easy, Comedy Is Hard

"Must Pause TV" - The story of Chuck Lorre

"Must Pause TV" - The story of Chuck Lorre

The 100th episode of Two and a Half Men

The 100th episode of Two and a Half Men

Two man talking about Two and a Half Men

Two man talking about Two and a Half Men

Two and a Half Men - In the Beginning

Two and a Half Men - In the Beginning

Bloopers Season 12

Bloopers Season 12

Bloopers Season 11

Bloopers Season 11

Bloopers Season 10

Bloopers Season 10

Bloopers Season 09

Bloopers Season 09

Bloopers Season 08

Bloopers Season 08

Bloopers Season 07

Bloopers Season 07

Bloopers Season 06

Bloopers Season 06

Bloopers Season 05

Bloopers Season 05

Bloopers Season 04

Bloopers Season 04

Bloopers Season 03

Bloopers Season 03

Bloopers Season 02

Bloopers Season 02

Bloopers Season 01

Bloopers Season 01

Two and a Half Men and CSI - Behind the Scenes Cross Over 2

Two and a Half Men and CSI - Behind the Scenes Cross Over 2

Two and a Half Men and CSI - Behind the Scenes Cross Over

Two and a Half Men and CSI - Behind the Scenes Cross Over

Marin Hinkle

Mama's Boys

Jon's Advice to Charlie

Jon's Advice to Charlie

Jennifer Taylor

Jennifer Taylor

Getting Charlie Sheen

Getting Charlie Sheen

Finding Angus

Behind the Scenes

Behind the Scenes

Jon Cryer wins an Emmy for Two and a Half Men at the 2009 Primetime Emmy Awards

Jon Cryer wins an Emmy for Two and a Half Men at the 2009 Primetime Emmy Awards

Jennifer Taylor on Charlie Sheen, Jon Cryer Marriage Problems

Jennifer Taylor on Charlie Sheen, Jon Cryer Marriage Problems

Jake's A Regular Kid

Jake's A Regular Kid

Original Pilot - Most Chicks Won't Eat Veal

Original Pilot - Most Chicks Won't Eat Veal

Can You Feel My Finger?

Can You Feel My Finger?

Just Like Buffalo

Just Like Buffalo

My Doctor Has a Cow Puppet

My Doctor Has a Cow Puppet

No Sniffing, No Wowing

No Sniffing, No Wowing

Hey, I Can Pee Outside in the Dark

Hey, I Can Pee Outside in the Dark

I Remember the Coatroom, I Just Don't Remember You

I Remember the Coatroom, I Just Don't Remember You

An Old Flame with a New Wick

An Old Flame with a New Wick

Ate the Hamburgers, Wearing the Hats

Ate the Hamburgers, Wearing the Hats

That Was Saliva, Alan

That Was Saliva, Alan

Round One to the Hot Crazy Chick

Round One to the Hot Crazy Chick

I Can't Afford Hyenas

I Can't Afford Hyenas

Sarah Like Puny Alan

Sarah Like Puny Alan

Camel Filters and Pheromones

Camel Filters and Pheromones

Alan Harper, Frontier Chiropractor

Alan Harper, Frontier Chiropractor

Merry Thanksgiving

Merry Thanksgiving

Phase One, Complete

Phase One, Complete

Twenty-Five Little Pre-Pubers Without a Snoot-Ful

Twenty-Five Little Pre-Pubers Without a Snoot-Ful

If They Do Go Either Way, They're Usually Fake

If They Do Go Either Way, They're Usually Fake

Did You Check With the Captain of the Flying Monkeys?

Did You Check With the Captain of the Flying Monkeys?

The Last Thing You Want Is to Wind Up with a Hump

The Last Thing You Want Is to Wind Up with a Hump

If I Can't Write My Chocolate Song, I'm Going to Take a Nap

If I Can't Write My Chocolate Song, I'm Going to Take a Nap

Go East on Sunset Until You Reach the Gates of Hell

Go East on Sunset Until You Reach the Gates of Hell

Big Flappy Bastards

Big Flappy Bastards

Pilot

Pilot

Does This Smell Funny to You?

Does This Smell Funny to You?

Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab

Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab

That Old Hose Bag Is My Mother

That Old Hose Bag Is My Mother

A Sympathetic Crotch to Cry On

A Sympathetic Crotch to Cry On

I Always Wanted a Shaved Monkey

I Always Wanted a Shaved Monkey

A Low, Guttural Tongue-Flapping Noise

A Low, Guttural Tongue-Flapping Noise

It Was Mame, Mom

It Was Mame, Mom

Woo-Hoo, a Hernia Exam!

Woo-Hoo, a Hernia Exam!

Can You Eat Human Flesh with Wooden Teeth?

Can You Eat Human Flesh with Wooden Teeth?

Smell the Umbrella Stand

Smell the Umbrella Stand

Those Big Pink Things with Coconut

Those Big Pink Things with Coconut

Zejdz Zmoich Wlosow (Get Off My Hair)

Zejdz Zmoich Wlosow (Get Off My Hair)

A Lungful of Alan

A Lungful of Alan

Last Chance to See Those Tattoos

Last Chance to See Those Tattoos

The Salmon Under My Sweater

The Salmon Under My Sweater

Yes, Monsignor

Yes, Monsignor

Frankenstein and the Horny Villagers

Frankenstein and the Horny Villagers

A Kosher Slaughterhouse Out in Fontana

A Kosher Slaughterhouse Out in Fontana

The Price of Healthy Gums Is Eternal Vigilance

The Price of Healthy Gums Is Eternal Vigilance

Bad News from the Clinic?

Bad News from the Clinic?

Go Get Mommy's Bra

Go Get Mommy's Bra

A Bag Full of Jawea

A Bag Full of Jawea

Enjoy Those Garlic Balls

Enjoy Those Garlic Balls

Back Off, Mary Poppins

Back Off, Mary Poppins

That Pistol-Packin' Hermaphrodite

That Pistol-Packin' Hermaphrodite

Arguments for the Quickie

Arguments for the Quickie

Just Once with Aunt Sophie

Just Once with Aunt Sophie

And the Plot Moistens

And the Plot Moistens

Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Burro

Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Burro

Golly Moses, She's a Muffin

Golly Moses, She's a Muffin

The Spit-Covered Cobbler

The Spit-Covered Cobbler

The Unfortunate Little Schnauzer

The Unfortunate Little Schnauzer

Ergo, the Booty Call

Ergo, the Booty Call

My Tongue is Meat

My Tongue is Meat

Love Isn't Blind, It's Retarded

Love Isn't Blind, It's Retarded

Humiliation Is a Visual Medium

Humiliation Is a Visual Medium

That Special Tug

That Special Tug

Santa's Village of the Damned

Santa's Village of the Damned

Something Salted and Twisted

Something Salted and Twisted

Madame and Her Special Friend

Madame and Her Special Friend

That Voodoo That I Do Do

That Voodoo That I Do Do

Sleep Tight, Puddin' Pop

Sleep Tight, Puddin' Pop

Hi, Mr. Horned One

Hi, Mr. Horned One

We Called It Mr. Pinky

We Called It Mr. Pinky

Your Dismissive Attitude Toward Boobs

Your Dismissive Attitude Toward Boobs

Carpet Burns and a Bite Mark

Carpet Burns and a Bite Mark

Principal Gallagher's Lesbian Lover

Principal Gallagher's Lesbian Lover

Weekend in Bangkok with Two Olympic Gymnasts

Weekend in Bangkok with Two Olympic Gymnasts

Prostitutes and Gelato

Prostitutes and Gelato

Anteaters. They're Just Crazy-Lookin'

Anteaters. They're Just Crazy-Lookin'

Mr. McGlue's Feedbag

Mr. McGlue's Feedbag

Tucked, Taped and Gorgeous

Tucked, Taped and Gorgeous

Aunt Myra Doesn't Pee a Lot

Aunt Myra Doesn't Pee a Lot

Smooth as a Ken Doll

Smooth as a Ken Doll

It Never Rains in Hooterville

It Never Rains in Hooterville

I Merely Slept with a Commie

I Merely Slept with a Commie

Young People Have Phlegm Too

Young People Have Phlegm Too

My Damn Stalker

My Damn Stalker

That's Summer Sausage, Not Salami

That's Summer Sausage, Not Salami

Don't Worry, Speed Racer

Don't Worry, Speed Racer

Castrating Sheep in Montana

Castrating Sheep in Montana

Walnuts and Demerol

Walnuts and Demerol

Kissing Abraham Lincoln

Kissing Abraham Lincoln

Corey's Been Dead for an Hour

Corey's Been Dead for an Hour

Release the Dogs

Release the Dogs

Repeated Blows to His Unformed Head

Repeated Blows to His Unformed Head

Apologies for the Frivolity

Apologies for the Frivolity

A Live Woman of Proven Fertility

A Live Woman of Proven Fertility

A Pot Smoking Monkey

A Pot Smoking Monkey

The Sea Is a Harsh Mistress

The Sea Is a Harsh Mistress

Who's Vod Kanockers?

Who's Vod Kanockers?

Working for Caligula

Working for Caligula

Waiting for the Right Snapper

Waiting for the Right Snapper

If My Hole Could Talk

If My Hole Could Talk

Fish in a Drawer

Fish in a Drawer

Look At Me, Mommy, I'm Pretty

Look At Me, Mommy, I'm Pretty

Rough Night in Hump Junction

Rough Night in Hump Junction

Winky-Dink Time

Winky-Dink Time

The Soil Is Moist

The Soil Is Moist

A Little Clammy and None Too Fresh

A Little Clammy and None Too Fresh

Meander to Your Dander

Meander to Your Dander

Kinda Like Necrophilia

Kinda Like Necrophilia

Shoes, Hats, Pickle Jar Lids

Shoes, Hats, Pickle Jar Lids

Is There a Mrs. Waffles?

Is There a Mrs. Waffles?

Our Leather Gear Is in the Guest Room

Our Leather Gear Is in the Guest Room

Help Daddy Find His Toenail

Help Daddy Find His Toenail

Putting Swim Fins on a Cat

Putting Swim Fins on a Cat

City of Great Racks

City of Great Racks

Dum Diddy Dum Diddy Doo

Dum Diddy Dum Diddy Doo

Media Room Slash Dungeon

Media Room Slash Dungeon

Large Birds, Spiders and Mom

Large Birds, Spiders and Mom

Baseball Was Better with Steroids

Baseball Was Better with Steroids

Good Morning, Mrs. Butterworth

Good Morning, Mrs. Butterworth

Sir Lancelot's Litter Box

Sir Lancelot's Litter Box

Above Exalted Cyclops

Above Exalted Cyclops

Hello, I Am Alan Cousteau

Hello, I Am Alan Cousteau

The Two Finger Rule

The Two Finger Rule

My Son's Enormous Head

My Son's Enormous Head

The 'Ocu' or the 'Pado'?

The 'Ocu' or the 'Pado'?

She'll Still Be Dead At Halftime

She'll Still Be Dead At Halftime

I'd Like to Start with the Cat

I'd Like to Start with the Cat

David Copperfield Slipped Me a Roofie

David Copperfield Slipped Me a Roofie

I Think You Offended Don

I Think You Offended Don

Thank God for Scoliosis

Thank God for Scoliosis

The Devil's Lube

The Devil's Lube

He Smelled the Ham, He Got Excited

He Smelled the Ham, He Got Excited

The Mooch at the Boo

The Mooch at the Boo

Pinocchio's Mouth

Pinocchio's Mouth

Best H.O. Money Can Buy

Best H.O. Money Can Buy

It's Always Nazi Week

It's Always Nazi Week

A Jock Strap in Hell

A Jock Strap in Hell

The Flavin' and the Mavin'

The Flavin' and the Mavin'

Damn You, Eggs Benedict

Damn You, Eggs Benedict

Pie Hole, Herb

Pie Hole, Herb

Taterhead Is Our Love Child

Taterhead Is Our Love Child

This Is Not Gonna End Well

This Is Not Gonna End Well

Gumby with a Pokey

Gumby with a Pokey

I Called Him Magoo

I Called Him Magoo

Keith Moon Is Vomiting in His Grave

Keith Moon Is Vomiting in His Grave

Ixnay on the Oggie Day

Ixnay on the Oggie Day

I Found Your Moustache

I Found Your Moustache

Tinkle Like a Princess

Tinkle Like a Princess

Aye, Aye, Captain Douche (2)

Aye, Aye, Captain Douche (2)

Crude and Uncalled For (1)

Crude and Uncalled For (1)

Yay, No Polyps!

Yay, No Polyps!

Fart Jokes, Pie and Celeste

Fart Jokes, Pie and Celeste

Warning, It's Dirty

Warning, It's Dirty

That's Why They Call It Ball Room

That's Why They Call It Ball Room

Captain Terry's Spray-On Hair

Captain Terry's Spray-On Hair

Gorp. Fnark. Schmegle.

Gorp. Fnark. Schmegle.

Untainted by Filth

Untainted by Filth

Give Me Your Thumb

Give Me Your Thumb

For the Sake of the Child

For the Sake of the Child

Laxative Tester, Horse Inseminator

Laxative Tester, Horse Inseminator

Mmm, Fish. Yum.

Mmm, Fish. Yum.

Whipped Unto the Third Generation

Whipped Unto the Third Generation

818-jklpuzo

818-jklpuzo

That Darn Priest

That Darn Priest

Three Hookers and a Philly Cheesesteak

Three Hookers and a Philly Cheesesteak

Lookin' for Japanese Subs

Lookin' for Japanese Subs

Skunk, Dog Crap and Ketchup

Skunk, Dog Crap and Ketchup

Chocolate Diddlers or My Puppy's Dead

Chocolate Diddlers or My Puppy's Dead

Dead from the Waist Down

Dead from the Waist Down

Ow, Ow, Don't Stop

Ow, Ow, Don't Stop

A Good Time in Central Africa

A Good Time in Central Africa

Springtime on a Stick

Springtime on a Stick

The Crazy Bitch Gazette

The Crazy Bitch Gazette

Twanging Your Magic Clanger

Twanging Your Magic Clanger

The Immortal Mr. Billy Joel

The Immortal Mr. Billy Joel

Hookers, Hookers, Hookers

Hookers, Hookers, Hookers

A Pudding-Filled Cactus

A Pudding-Filled Cactus

A Bottle of Wine and a Jackhammer

A Bottle of Wine and a Jackhammer

Three Girls and a Guy Named Bud

Three Girls and a Guy Named Bud

Oh Look! Al-Qaeda!

Oh Look! Al-Qaeda!

The Straw in My Donut Hole

The Straw in My Donut Hole

Why We Gave Up Women

Why We Gave Up Women

Mr. Hose Says 'Yes'

Mr. Hose Says 'Yes'

Grandma's Pie

Grandma's Pie

Palmdale, Ech

Palmdale, Ech

The War Against Gingivitis

The War Against Gingivitis

Not in My Mouth!

Not in My Mouth!

Sips, Sonnets and Sodomy

Sips, Sonnets and Sodomy

The Duchess of Dull-in-Sack

The Duchess of Dull-in-Sack

A Possum on Chemo

A Possum on Chemo

Slowly and in a Circular Fashion

Slowly and in a Circular Fashion

One False Move, Zimbabwe!

One False Move, Zimbabwe!

What a Lovely Landing Strip

What a Lovely Landing Strip

A Fishbowl Full of Glass Eyes

A Fishbowl Full of Glass Eyes

Frodo's Headshots

Frodo's Headshots

Thank You for the Intercourse

Thank You for the Intercourse

Those Fancy Japanese Toilets

Those Fancy Japanese Toilets

The Squat and the Hover

The Squat and the Hover

A Giant Cat Holding a Churro

A Giant Cat Holding a Churro

Nine Magic Fingers

Nine Magic Fingers

Big Girls Don't Throw Food

Big Girls Don't Throw Food

People Who Love Peepholes

People Who Love Peepholes

Nice to Meet You, Walden Schmidt

Nice to Meet You, Walden Schmidt

Cows, Prepare to Be Tipped

Cows, Prepare to Be Tipped

My Bodacious Vidalia

My Bodacious Vidalia

Another Night with Neil Diamond

Another Night with Neil Diamond

Bazinga! That's From a TV Show

Bazinga! That's From a TV Show

Big Episode. Someone Stole a Spoon

Big Episode. Someone Stole a Spoon

The 9:04 from Pemberton

The 9:04 from Pemberton

Throgwarten Middle School Mysteries

Throgwarten Middle School Mysteries

Advantage: Fat, Flying Baby

Advantage: Fat, Flying Baby

Paint It, Pierce It or Plug It

Paint It, Pierce It or Plug It

Run, Steven Staven! Run!

Run, Steven Staven! Run!

Grab a Feather and Get in Line

Grab a Feather and Get in Line

Welcome to Alancrest

Welcome to Alancrest

Give Santa a Tail-Hole

Give Santa a Tail-Hole

One Nut Johnson

One Nut Johnson

I Scream When I Pee

I Scream When I Pee

Something My Gynecologist Said

Something My Gynecologist Said

Avoid the Chinese Mustard

Avoid the Chinese Mustard

Ferrets, Attack!

Ferrets, Attack!

That's Not What They Call It in Amsterdam

That's Not What They Call It in Amsterdam

You Do Know What the Lollipop Is For

You Do Know What the Lollipop Is For

Four Balls, Two Bats and One Mitt

Four Balls, Two Bats and One Mitt

A Big Bag of Dog

A Big Bag of Dog

I Changed My Mind About the Milk

I Changed My Mind About the Milk

Oh, WALD-E, Good Times Ahead

Oh, WALD-E, Good Times Ahead

Dial 1-900-Mix-A-Lot

Dial 1-900-Mix-A-Lot

Lotta Delis in Little Armenia

Lotta Delis in Little Armenia

Lan Mao Shi Zai Wuding Shang

Lan Mao Shi Zai Wuding Shang

West Side Story

West Side Story

Welcome Home, Jake

Welcome Home, Jake

How to Get Rid of Alan Harper

How to Get Rid of Alan Harper

Cab Fare and a Bottle of Penicillin

Cab Fare and a Bottle of Penicillin

Three Fingers of Creme de Menthe

Three Fingers of Creme de Menthe

Bite Me, Supreme Court

Bite Me, Supreme Court

Baseball. Boobs. Boobs. Baseball.

Baseball. Boobs. Boobs. Baseball.

Tazed in the Lady Nuts

Tazed in the Lady Nuts

On Vodka, on Soda, on Blender, on Mixer!

On Vodka, on Soda, on Blender, on Mixer!

Numero Uno Accidente Lawyer

Numero Uno Accidente Lawyer

Mr. Walden, He Die. I Clean Room.

Mr. Walden, He Die. I Clean Room.

Some Kind of Lesbian Zombie

Some Kind of Lesbian Zombie

Justice in Star-Spangled Hot Pants

Justice in Star-Spangled Hot Pants

Alan Harper, Pleasing Women Since 2003

Alan Harper, Pleasing Women Since 2003

Clank, Clank, Drunken Skank

Clank, Clank, Drunken Skank

This Unblessed Biscuit

This Unblessed Biscuit

I Think I Banged Lucille Ball

I Think I Banged Lucille Ball

Nangnangnangnang

Nangnangnangnang

Of Course He's Dead (2)

Of Course He's Dead (2)

Of Course He's Dead (1)

Of Course He's Dead (1)

Don't Give a Monkey a Gun

Don't Give a Monkey a Gun

Boompa Loved His Hookers

Boompa Loved His Hookers

A Beer-Battered Rip-Off

A Beer-Battered Rip-Off

For Whom the Booty Calls

For Whom the Booty Calls

Here I Come, Pants!

Here I Come, Pants!

Bouncy, Bouncy, Bouncy, Lyndsey

Bouncy, Bouncy, Bouncy, Lyndsey

Family, Bublé, Deep-Fried Turkey

Family, Bublé, Deep-Fried Turkey

Sex with an Animated Ed Asner

Sex with an Animated Ed Asner

Alan Shot a Little Girl

Alan Shot a Little Girl

Oontz. Oontz. Oontz.

Oontz. Oontz. Oontz.

Thirty-Eight, Sixty-Two, Thirty-Eight

Thirty-Eight, Sixty-Two, Thirty-Eight

Glamping in a Yurt

Glamping in a Yurt

A Chic Bar in Ibiza

A Chic Bar in Ibiza

The Ol' Mexican Spinach

The Ol' Mexican Spinach

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